Mindless Ramblings

[of a not-so-mindless girl]

shout it out
hey you!
dead_pink_stars
Hey you. Yes. You. Friend. Enemy. Stranger.
Are you breathing? Let me feel it.
Reply to this entry on a whim.
You can say anything about anything.
Me. You. Him. Her. Them.
Envy. Passion. Hate. Love. Fear.
Secrets. Confessions. Stories. Ideas.
Facts. Myths. Legends.
A N Y T H I N G.

[please reply anonymously.]

thank you for stopping by.

[no subject]
hey you!
dead_pink_stars
Your best friend told me to be nice.  The first words I ever spoke to him were "I'm not a nice person."

[Oh how true that turned out to be...]

Will I feel guilty forever?  For the promises of always I unintentionally failed to keep?  I've tried other ways out - like finding a way to blame you - but I feel more guilty when I realize it was just me.

I flatter myself by thinking that you think of me... or did at least once in a while.  Because no matter what happened, you were still a part of my life and a part of who and where I am now.  Do you realize I am the same for you?

I fancy myself important.  Without me you wouldn't be married with a new baby.  You wouldn't be happy with her if I had continued to make you happy with me.

How selfish of me!  How selfish of me to think I played any part of the life you live now!

[But I touched the wings of a butterfly. . . and everything changed.]

Shame on me!  Shame on me for ever putting myself im that position!  I don't deserve that importance.  I don't deserve the pedestal that I created for myself.

But only with you.  Only with you do I put myself on a pedestal because I feel like I was always better than you.  I feel that I deserved better even if I never wanted more than just you.  Every relationship has a person that reaches and a person that settles...  I have always settled.  I settled with you.  

How is it that after all this time... after we lost our "almost everything" virginity to each other... after I was your everything and you were mine...  that you are the one that is winning?  I didn't even realize I was competing until I realized how far ahead you are and how far ahead we should have both been... together.

I resent you.  I resent you for not being crushed and not feeling enough and not thinking even once that your life was over without me.  Why is it that I was always the one that got hurt after I did something that should have devastated you?  It should have been you.

It should have been you...

But I don't mean that in every sense that others might see...  I am glad you and I did not end up together.  In retrospect, always retrospect, I understand how much I would have given up to be yours forever, mostly out of nostalgia.  Part of me often feels bad...

But so what?  So what if I don't have a high school sweetheart?  So what if I didn't marry the man I shared a million "firsts" with?  So what if I married someone I only knew for three years after I knew you for seven?  So what?  Who cares?  No big deal!

...but then again, maybe it is.  Somehow, it is becoming a "big deal" in my mind.  Somehow I keep thinking about you and me and us and how it would be if we were still together...  Isn't that wrong?

Even if I don't think so now, you were my first love.  Even if I am hesitant to admit that what I felt was love, I loved you at the time.  And even though everyone says your first love never dies...  mine did.  Because today I only feel nostalgic.  Today I only miss what was, not the possibilities of what could have been.

Today I wish you knew how much I wanted to be yours at the time...

...but how happy I am that it didn't turn out that way.

i just hope that once in a while... you think about me...

[no subject]
hey you!
dead_pink_stars
Pinwheel
Hattytown
David the Gnome
The Littl' Bits
Shining Time Station
Elephant Show
Adventures of the Little Koala
Noozles
Eureka's Castle
Maya the Bee

Hey Dude
The Secret World of Alex Mack
Clarissa Explains it All

[no subject]
hey you!
dead_pink_stars
The cigarettes tasted different last night.

With tears and laughter and anger and the lingering of "I love you" dancing on my tongue, I walked outside and floated. Eyes closed, fingers wrapped tightly around that glowing white stick, I remembered truth.

The truth - the honesty - of myself and who I am versus everything I've thought I wanted to be. And here I am, breaking apart the thoughts and imaginings of a person unintentionally stoned off love and over the counter drugs. Who is that girl that longed to be a woman? Where is she now that she has her chance? It is funny (in a non hysterical sense) that the only thing I could do is assume that fetal position that proves me far from the "grown up" I am pretending to be.

You reached out to me in a physical and non-physical sense... (though I told you never to touch me again.) How dare you be perfect with your simple words and cutthroat honesty that has always been at the forefront of my mind. How dare you be perfect with your thoughtful gestures and kind eyes, despite my bitter attempt at retaliation (for a crime you never committed). How dare you say "love" when my words scream "hate" though I know they were not meant for you. For a fool I am and will always be for failing to reveal my inner heart.

And today you ask only for that which you have always given. And today you ask only for love and respect and the opportunity to improve upon the perfection you don't realize you've attained. For you, with your kind glances and gentle touches and sweet and loving words, have met my expectations and far surpassed perfection in my eyes. A fool I am and will always be to take your love and attention for granted. A fool I am and will always be for failing to reciprocate such a level of complete emotion.

So today I love and will always love the person you are to me. And today I love and respect the you that will always kiss me when I am ugly (both inside and out). And today and always I love and respect the person that shouts "love" through veiled versions of "hate." For you are mine and I am yours and interpretations aside, I will always only want to be wanted by you and I will always only want you.

Reflection
hey you!
dead_pink_stars
Mirror, mirror on the wall
How prettily you shine
I do not care why you are there
I just care that you’re mine

Mirror, mirror on the wall
I cannot reach you yet
Even standing on my tippy toes
A reflection I can't get

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Finally we meet
The image you project is clear
(And I’m flat on my feet!)

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Such a pretty thing I see
I can stare for hours at a time
I’m happy that its me

Mirror, mirror on the wall
The image is beginning to change
What are all these bright red spots?
I don’t like them; they are strange

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Today’s my wedding day
You make my dress twinkle so bright
I can’t seem to look away

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Here’s someone new to watch
Remember when I couldn’t reach you?
I must bring you down a notch

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Now we are all alone
My house and heart are empty
And it barely feels like home

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Its no longer my face I see
Are you lying or am I blind?
I’m no longer familiar to me

Mirror, mirror on the wall
I must say my goodbyes
The time I was given is running out
Now I shall close my eyes

Lightly Toasted
hey you!
dead_pink_stars
We sat outside under the crisp, blue sky
and we wondered:
What if it were green?
What if the world were upside down and
inside out and we floated
higher than the birds?

We lay outside for days on a sea of green
Asking of no one
Why and who and what for?
Why do birds sing and dogs bark
while humans have no sound
to truly call their own?

We contemplated life for uncountable hours
with our voices intertwined
like cake batter left on the beaters.
What if life were a blender
and we were the blades
ripping whole persons into pieces?

We asked questions as the sun melted
our bodies into the ground
but we did not seek the answers.
With our eyes closed and our minds open
we learned that we are all like
unanswered questions.

We turned under the scorching rays
to open our eyes to a different scene
but we saw only darkness
and the world began to spin
backwards and beyond our mind-control.
And yet somehow it all made sense.

[no subject]
hey you!
dead_pink_stars
http://www.goear.com/files/sst2/b9876faff42ac3001896f3a1b839765d.mp3

Hey MoHos!!!
hey you!
dead_pink_stars
Happy Mountain Day!!!

[no subject]
hey you!
dead_pink_stars
Sometimes - Britney Spears

Nice & Slow - Usher

You Remind Me - Usher

My Mistakes - Usher

Caught Up - Usher

Bad Girl - Usher

[no subject]
hey you!
dead_pink_stars
Love Song - Sara Bareilles