- [no subject]
- February 8th, 2011
Your best friend told me to be nice. The first words I ever spoke to him were "I'm not a nice person."
[Oh how true that turned out to be...]
Will I feel guilty forever? For the promises of always I unintentionally failed to keep? I've tried other ways out - like finding a way to blame you - but I feel more guilty when I realize it was just me.
I flatter myself by thinking that you think of me... or did at least once in a while. Because no matter what happened, you were still a part of my life and a part of who and where I am now. Do you realize I am the same for you?
I fancy myself important. Without me you wouldn't be married with a new baby. You wouldn't be happy with her if I had continued to make you happy with me.
How selfish of me! How selfish of me to think I played any part of the life you live now!
[But I touched the wings of a butterfly. . . and everything changed.]
Shame on me! Shame on me for ever putting myself im that position! I don't deserve that importance. I don't deserve the pedestal that I created for myself.
But only with you. Only with you do I put myself on a pedestal because I feel like I was always better than you. I feel that I deserved better even if I never wanted more than just you. Every relationship has a person that reaches and a person that settles... I have always settled. I settled with you.
How is it that after all this time... after we lost our "almost everything" virginity to each other... after I was your everything and you were mine... that you are the one that is winning? I didn't even realize I was competing until I realized how far ahead you are and how far ahead we should have both been... together.
I resent you. I resent you for not being crushed and not feeling enough and not thinking even once that your life was over without me. Why is it that I was always the one that got hurt after I did something that should have devastated you? It should have been you.
It should have been you...
But I don't mean that in every sense that others might see... I am glad you and I did not end up together. In retrospect, always retrospect, I understand how much I would have given up to be yours forever, mostly out of nostalgia. Part of me often feels bad...
But so what? So what if I don't have a high school sweetheart? So what if I didn't marry the man I shared a million "firsts" with? So what if I married someone I only knew for three years after I knew you for seven? So what? Who cares? No big deal!
...but then again, maybe it is. Somehow, it is becoming a "big deal" in my mind. Somehow I keep thinking about you and me and us and how it would be if we were still together... Isn't that wrong?
Even if I don't think so now, you were my first love. Even if I am hesitant to admit that what I felt was love, I loved you at the time. And even though everyone says your first love never dies... mine did. Because today I only feel nostalgic. Today I only miss what was, not the possibilities of what could have been.
Today I wish you knew how much I wanted to be yours at the time...
...but how happy I am that it didn't turn out that way.
i just hope that once in a while... you think about me...